Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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