Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
