god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
