That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
