We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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