you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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