Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
