Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
