Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
