im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
