Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
