There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
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She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
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just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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