did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
