Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
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I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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