I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
