dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
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don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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