If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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