I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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