My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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