i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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