Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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