Im at strip club and am horny
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
