its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
