You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
