remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
