Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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