Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
