I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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