She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
