Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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