I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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