He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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