fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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