Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
