If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
