there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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