i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
