Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Alive.
So much puke
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
