my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
