two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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