I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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