Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
