Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize