Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sacagawea was the original milf.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
