recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
