Even water is tasting like jack daniels
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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