I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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