Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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