Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
