there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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