I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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