I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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