my mouth tastes like poor choices
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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