I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
