Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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