can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
