One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
